Barbies We'd Like to See...

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees
  and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a
  mini-bible, and a stylish black sequined nun's habit (after all,
  she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing
  because she's taken a vow of silence.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty-hour days for little pay (80% of
  AdmiKen's salary) and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being
  the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the
  string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls,
  replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org
  and a move, and order airline tickets for Director Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and
  enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually
  goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out
  why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff 
  envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal
  arts degree.  Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing cabinet filled
  with the past five years' worth of US Tax Code revisions, which need
  to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her
  back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her
  ex's new wife.  Comes with a hatred for all men and a Malibu Barbie
  tanz (except for a white band on her left-hand ring finger).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi,
  I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time"
  bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
  comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Blue-Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch
  pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales
  for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons 
  may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second
  jobs in order to make ends meet.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-baring shirt and baggy
  jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of
  attitude.  Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," 
  "Dang, get outta my face, " and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to
  take shit from men and condescending White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Dinner-Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double
  chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that
  voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of
  dinner-rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring,
  a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt
  reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.


The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.
After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless
skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts. If Baywatch Barbie sells well,
other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow.


Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream
  Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other
  accessories include a bottle of vodka, silksheets and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other
  homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on the
  Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of
  crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually
  speaks!  Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math
  class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear 
  Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular
  teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored
  with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from
  high school, married too young and ate too much.