From: Barbie c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 December 23, 1996 Dear Santa: Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997, Santa: 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done. 6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec! 8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie -------------------------------------------------------------------------- KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA: Dear Santa: I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of MY issues concerning Ms. Barbie. First of all I, along with several other colleagues, feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - as the bumper sticker says, "that bitch has everything." I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. I realize that this is the 90's so women expect to have everything and get to bitch about it as well. Barbie now thinks treating men like dirt is sport because she doesn't need us since she can be a fancy "systems analyst" or a "public relations senior account exec". Speaking for us guys, it is clear that as public relations increase, "PUBIC RELATIONS" end! I know for a fact that I haven't "gotten any" since she started wearing that stupid molded underwear. I also realize the molded underwear is a sign of 90's women using their sexual wrenches to get whatever they want, but I can't take this much longer! I have therefore decided to go on strike for the old Barbie, the one that remembers her man is numero uno in her life and longs to please him! So, please throw the current bitch out and lets get back to the good old 50's Barbie. And, don't you dare touch her curves (unless you make them bigger!), or start giving her baggy clothes. If anything, she needs sheerer nightwear. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having GI Joe - he's on strike with me until you get us the sweet old Barbie back. Sincerely, Ken P.S. Not only is my earring staying until the above demands are met, I understand Joe is now planning to get one. Who knows what will happen next if we don't get a real woman in our lives soon. . . Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken" or "Beauty Salon Joe?" We will forward the email to Santa for consideration next year.