Beowulf
by Rathfled DuNoir, the Black Bard of the Meridies...

See Grendel.  See Grendel eat.  Eat, Grendel, eat.  Grendel is eating a few
Danish for breakfast.  Grendel especially likes the ones with the yellow
coating on top.  This is good because there are so many of them.  Yummy!

See Hrothgar.  He is sad.  Sad sad sad.  His warriors are leaving.  They are
sad because Grendel has eaten many of their friends.  They do not want to
play with Grendel anymore because he is mean.  Hrothgar is also sad because
his food is almost gone.  Grendel eats the cows and pigs and horsies too.
Grendel is very hungry.  Eat, Grendel, eat.

Hrothgar is also sad because his wife will not stop complaining.  Whine,
wife, whine.  Hrothgar has tried to stop listening to her for three days
now.  Drink, Hrothgar, drink.  Hrothgar is almost out of mead.  Poor
Hrothgar.

See Beowulf.  He is big and strong and handsome.  He has long viking braids
and pointy horns on his hat and a really big sword.  Ooh, Beowulf, ooh!  He
is sailing to Denmark to visit Hrothgar.  Sail, Beowulf, sail. He does not
know that Hrothgar is almost out of mead.  Poor Beowulf.

Beowulf likes to sail.  Beowulf likes to drink even more.  Poor Beowulf.
When he gets to Denmark, there is enough mead left for one more feast.  Poor
Beowulf.  Poor Hrothgar.  Poor Warriors.  Poor Grendel.  Beowulf is very
mad.  Mad mad mad.  Beowulf vows to slay Grendel.  Vow, Beowulf, vow. He
promises to do many great feats.  He swears to return with Grendel's head.
Drink, Beowulf, drink.

Beowulf is lying very still.  Is he waiting to surprise Grendel? No.  Is he
meditating?  No.  Is he practicing an arcane magical ritual involving a lawn
chair, six milk bottles and a tuning fork?  No, he is unconscious. Won't he
be surprised when he wakes up and they tell him about his promises?  Won't
he be happy to know that he has a quest?  Won't he feel grand when the
warriors cheer him?  No, Beowulf will not feel grand for a while.  He has a
headache.  Poor Beowulf.  Please stop cheering, warriors.

See the castle.  It is very quiet.  Is it quiet because everyone is afraid
of Grendel?  No.  Is it quiet because everyone is afraid of Beowulf?  Yes it
is!  Beowulf has had a very bad headache for three days.  Last night,
Beowulf's head hurt so bad that he was very mad.  Mad mad mad!  Grendel came
over to play and made too much noise.  Beowulf was very upset.  He was so
upset that he ripped Grendel's arm off and hung it over the door.
Poor Grendel.  Poor warriors.  Smile at Beowulf.  Just do it quietly.

See the feast hall.  It is bright and cheery.  There is food on the tables
and mead in the horns and a great big arm over the door.   See the feasters.
They are singing and laughing and drinking.  Are they happy that Grendel is
dead?  Yes.  Are they happy they can laugh and sing and play again?  Yes,
but most of all they are happy that there is more mead. Drink, Beowulf,
drink!

See Hrothgar.  He is happy.  Happy happy happy.  Is he happy that Grendel is
dead?  Is he happy that there is more mead?  Yes, but he is mostly happy
because his wife has stopped complaining.  Smile, Hrothgar, smile.

O see Grendel's mother.  She is sad.  Sad sad sad.  Is she sad because
Grendel is gone?  Is she sad because her other children never call?  Is she
sad because the Angels are losing again?  Yes, she is sad because of all
these things, but mostly because she won't get any more Mother's Day
presents.  This makes her mad.  Mad mad mad!

She gets so mad that she decides to have some Danish for dessert.  That is
silly!  Everyone knows that you are supposed to have Danish for breakfast.
Silly silly silly.  In fact, it is so silly that we think that Grendel's
mother may have had something besides food for dinner.  We think that
Grendel's mother may have been drinking.  Just like Beowulf.

See Beowulf.  Now that there is mead again, he is drinking some more. Drink,
Beowulf, drink.  When Grendel's mother comes to the feast, Beowulf has
already drunk quite a bit.  So has Grendel's mother.  He thinks she is the
most beautiful woman in the world and makes a pass at her.  Pass, Beowulf,
pass.  She is caught off guard and says no.  Tease, monster, tease.  Beowulf
tries again.  She leaves and he goes home with her.
Grendel's mother was never heard from again.  Beowulf was very quiet about
the whole situation.  Quiet, quiet, quiet.

The End.

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