** IMPORTANT NEWS CLIPPINGS... *******************************************

"Uncle Bill" is in the Driver's Seat!

January 25th, Redmond WA - Marketing reps from Microsoft Corporation
today announced their new line of high-value sedans - yes, we mean
automobiles!  Said Gates: "We feel that consumers are confused by the
great variety of vehicles out there.  Every company offers their own
proprietary version of your basic sedan, but there's no standard."
Microsoft aims to define that standard with their new "Redmond" sedan.
Here's just a quick tour of some of the state-of-the-art features that
will make this the best set of wheels you'll ever drive:

	o Room for up to six passengers (although the current version
	  only allows one occupant while the car is in motion.
	  Microsoft claims that this will provide greater security for
	  the passenger and vows to look into a true multi-passenger model.

	o Free car phone! The "Redmond" includes a SONY(TM) model
	  TCP-93.  This model only allows dialing out, so you'll have
	  to purchase another phone if you wish to receive calls or 
	  communicate with other satisfied "Redmond" owners.  Microsoft
	  expects that many third-party vendors will be glad to provide
	  this added value.

	o Revolutionary cache strategy allowed Microsoft to design the
	  "Redmond" with just 3 wheels instead of one.  Just imagine
	  the savings in tire-replacement!

	o No speedometer, odometer, or gas-gauge.  Microsoft feels
	  that it can deliver a higher-quality product by leaving off
	  these frills in the initial offering.  This could also provide
	  jobs for unemployed but enterprising auto workers who wish
	  to  provide this product to you.

	o An early prototype of the "Redmond" (code-named "Pong") had
	  the obvious disadvantage of only supporting left turns.  The
	  production-ready "Redmond" instead offers control-preserving
	  but control-insensitive steering.  The steering column
	  and directional signals allow you to signal and turn in
	  either direction, and while the car "remembers" the
	  direction you turned, it translates this into a left turn
	  automatically.  Great news for people who always confuse
	  left and right, and Microsoft provides a complimentary map
	  of your town to aid you in finding paths that only include
	  left turns.

	o Should you be so old-fashioned as to not want to use some of
	  these amazing new features, Microsoft again dazzles the
	  critics by providing the "AmeriDrive" console.  This console
	  allows you to drive the "Redmond" as you would any other
	  American car.  The console supports the only available
	  standards document (1.7b), so some minor features such as
	  acceleration, steering, and braking are not fully supported.
	  Microsoft fully stands behind AmeriDrive and maintains that
	  it is "not just a check-box"