The Book of Shit Chapter One Famous People ------------- Einstein: Shit is Relative. Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit. Newton: Why did that shit fall on my head? Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened. Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago... Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know anything about it. Reagan: Well, I do believe shit happened. I was just taking a nap. Quayle: Why doe people treate me like shite? Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. Oh, shit! I shouldn't have let that state trooper watch. Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture. Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least I'm still in power. Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit. McCarthy: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit? Martin Luther King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist... I have a shit... Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitti) Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country. Stalin: The state treats you like shit. James T. Kirk: ... to boldly shit where no man has shit before! Shirley MacClaine: Haven't I seen this shit before... Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind. Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question. Tonya Harding: hitS happen! Bobbit: That WAS a long hard piece of shit. Robin: Holy shit, Batman! Beavis: Shit sucks. Butt-head: Huh-huh, huh-huh, you said "shit". The Jokebox The Book of Shit Chapter Two The Social Sciences ------------------- Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable. Good shit only happens once; bad shit is recycled. Humanity happens. Political Correctness: Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens. Communism: It's everybody's shit. Let's spread the shit out equally among every one. The Imperialists cause shit to happen, Comrade! Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike. Dictatorship of the shit. The workers take all the shit, but the're gonna dish it back out again. Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone. Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit. That's MY shit. Democracy: Everyone has the same opportunity to make shit happen. Republic: We elect others to take care of shit for us. Libertarianism: Hands off my shit. Liberalism: Society's to blame for shit happening. Conservatism: Shit Happens, but not right now. Commercialism: Let's package this shit. Idolism: Let's bronze this shit. South Africa: No more white shit. Japanese: Americans will buy all our shit. Victorianism: Excrement occurs, but we do not partake in its discussion in civilized society. Americanism: Who gives a shit? Egoism: I AM the shit! Feminism: This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up! Men are shit. Why does shit only happen to women?! Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us... Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden. Abstract expressionism: Look at this shit I just took on the canvas! Dadaism: Shit bzzt gim blim ba dum boop! Post-modernism: New shit is just a mix of old shit. Surrealism: Fish. Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins. Utilitarianism: Whatever does the most shit for the most people is best. Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit. Utopianism: This shit does not stink. Epicureanism: Shit happens - in moderation. Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Shit happening is absurd. Scientificism: We seem to think Shit Happens, but it's just a theory. Apathism: I don't give a shit. Realism: I think I need to take a shit. Idealism: I can deal with any shit. Objectivism: Shit is Shit. Denialism: What shit? Depressionism: Why can't shit happen to me too! Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen. Minimalism: Shit! Procrastinationism: I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow. Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit. The limit of procrastinationism as it goes to infinity. Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever. Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me. Optimism: Shit will never happen. Pessimism: One of these days, shit will happen. Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen! Meliorism: Shit is happening now, but will soon cease to happen. Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up! No shit. Determinism: Obviously, that shit was bound to happen to you. Empiricism: Prove that shit! Epistemology: How do you know that shit? Pragmatism: Deal with one shit at a time. How can I put this shit to use? Skepticism: Nope. I will NOT be convinced that shit is happening. Steel Magnolianism: Honey chile, the Shit that Happens makes us stronger. Fascism: Shit won't happen if we kill everybody that's different. Anarchism: We are allowed to shit when we want. We are allowed to shit where we want. We should be allowed to shit what we want. Vandalism: Break all the shit you can. Hooliganism: Raise all the shit you can. Fetishism: I love it when shit happens. Masochism: Do shit to ME. Sadism: I will shit on you! Coprophilia: Fuck that shit. Hitchhikerism: The answer to all shit is 42. Nonsequiturism: Sure, maybe shit happens, but Route 176 goes south. Mesmerism: You are getting sleepy...soon Shit will not happen.... Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit. Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it. Spoonerism: Hit shappens. Aneurysm: Shit, my head hurts! :) Dyslexia: Tihs happens. Phone Company: 911. Because Shit happens. Murphyism: Shit will happen, at the worst possible time, and in the worst possible way. Divorcism: She's full of shit! He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit. ... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit! The Jokebox The Book of Shit Chapter Three World Religions --------------- Taoism: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit. Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY." Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time. Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? First, shit was shit. Then it wasn't. Now I'm one with Zen and shit is shit again. 7th Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays. Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before. This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you. Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else! If shit happens, praise the lord for it. Presbyterianism: This shit was bound to happen. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession. It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it. Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Have faith that shit will happen. If shit happens, don't talk about it. Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans. Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit. Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit. Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway. Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal? Conservative Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives? Shit happens to whom it may concern. Orthodox Judaism: So shit happens, already! Islam: We don't take any shit. Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit! Shiite happens. Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT! If shit happens, take a hostage. Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit! Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us? Shit happens universally. All shit is truly shit. New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. Shit happens, and it happens to smell good. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. Visualize shit happening... Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. The best shit happens in the Watchtower. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens." Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door to door. Open the door and I'll show you what shit is. Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read. Secular Humanism: Shit evolves. Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest. This shit was once food. Evolutionism: The world is getting shittier all the time. Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ...and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested. Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray! Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself. Shit happens in your mind. Atheism: I don't believe this shit! Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead. No shit! It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit. Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. What is this shit?! I don't know shit! How can we KNOW if shit happens? You can't prove any of this shit! Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, man. Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it. Let the shit multiply. Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah) Hey, there's more shit happening over here! Shit happens again & again & again ... Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ... Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. We'll wash the shit right off you. Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord! Shiite Baptist: Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's will and we know it... Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit! Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna get you! Congregationalism: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another. Unitarianism: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another. What is this Shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters. It's the process. Come let us reason together about this shit. Unitarian Universalism: There is only one shit and it happens to all of us. Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit. Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes. EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen. You're responsible for all the shit that happens. Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!) Shit happens, but don't publish it. Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time. Mennonite: None of this modern shit now. Anabaptist: Shit only happens to adults. Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless. We like the same old shit the best. Native Americans: Shit is sacred when it happens. Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors. Shit is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect. Moonies: Only happy shit really happens. Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Christianity stole half its shit from us. Mysticism: This is really weird shit. Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons. Celtic Paganism: Shit, go bragh! Graeco-Roman Mythology: The Gods will tell us when Shit happens. Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you. We will make your shit happen. Shit doesn't just happen... it's created by an asshole. What's wrong with shit happening? SNEPPAH TIHS. Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen! Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you. This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you pay us enough. Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit! Only some can see the real shit. Sikhism: Leave our shit alone. Branch Davidianism: May shit happen to the FBI! If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue... David Koresh thinks he's hot shit. Jesuitism: If shit happens and nobody hears it, did it really make a sound? Creation Science: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C. Transcendental meditation: Shiiiit. Shiiiit. Shiiiit.... Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening... Shit your way to a better life. The Book of Shit Chapter Four The Professions --------------- Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case... Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen. Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen. Engineer: I hope this shit holds together. Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!! Damn, this shit smells... Biologist: Is this shit alive? Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit. Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit. Beaurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828... Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit. Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please... Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit. Let all that shit go. This will really get the energy shit moving. Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go? Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of iti s just repressing its subconscious shittiness. Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles. Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen... Historian: The same shit happens again and again. Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, shit will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for the economy. My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit. Waitress: You want fries with that shit? Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit = Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up? Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a male bovine) Q C Inspector: This shit ain't good enough. Marketing: This shit could sell, if only it came in different colors. IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms. Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit. Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike. NYC Cab Driver: Oops, looks like I hit that shit... Mechanic: Shit... this will cost a lot, mister. Chef: It needs some more of this green shit. Musician: This shit is out of tune. Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit. Shit, I wish I'd thought of that. Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit. Poet: My childhood was shit -- let me share. Ode to a Grecian Shit. My love is like a red, red shit. ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit... Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers. Types Of Shit Ghost Shit That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet. Clean Shit The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. second Wave Shit It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you relize that you have to shit some more. Brian Hemorrage Shit Also known as "Pop a vein in your forehead " shit. the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. Richard Simmons Shit The kind that you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds Corn shit Self Explanatory Lincoln Log shit The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush Drinkers shit That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking - its most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet . "Gee I wish I could shit" shit Its the kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times. Spinal Tap Shit Thats the one where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways. Wet Cheeks Shit Also known as "The Power dump" thats the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. Liquid Shit Thats the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, spashes all over the inside of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. Mexican Food Shit A class all its own the Crowd Pleaser This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone. Mood Enhancer This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. The Ritual This shit occurs at the same time time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper Guiness Book of Records Shit A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations The aftershock shit This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is effected. The Honeymoon's over shit This is any shit created in the presence of another person. Groaner A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance Floater Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushes Ranger A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper Phantom Shit This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit putting it there Peek-a-boo-shit Now you see it, now you don't. this shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control The bombshell A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during love making or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. Snake Charmer A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless Olympic Shit This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinkers shit.