Great Salesman A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the area--you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Thirty-eight thousand, three hundred and thirty-four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. "I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him a new SUV." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman. "Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A nerdy-looking accountant appeared at Heaven's gates. St. Peter, asking the usual questions required of newcomers, learned that the accountant had frequently helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle large sums of money. In exasperation, St. Peter asked, "Well, have you ever done anything good in your life, anything totally unselfish and altruistic that would qualify you for entry into the heavenly domain?" "Well," replied the accountant, "Once, I saw a pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a group of bikers. I yelled, 'Hey, assholes, why don't you pick on somebody your own size?' and I then kicked all their bikes over--all six of 'em--and took off running. They briefly forgot about her and she managed to get away." St. Peter, checking his logs, noted, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?" "Oh....about five minutes ago," the accountant explained. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split the two between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Let's see, what's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says," I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well" says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink> too. "The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!" So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint.", says the man. "Same for me.", says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half..."But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't fookin' payin'!" The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "that'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?" "Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died , she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes." "That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?" "Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!" As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says,"That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answers,"Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ These 2 little boys are sitting in the living room, watching tv with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch tv we'll be right back, ok?" The two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on Now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother says to the younger brother "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer " ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Reverse Life Cycle: The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor." The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." But what then, senor? The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions. Millions, senor? Then what? The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The QPSAT (Quick Political Scholastic Aptitude Test) This test consists of one (1) multiple-choice question (so you better get it right!) Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum: China 1945-46 Korea 1950-53 China 1950-53 Guatemala 1954 Indonesia 1958 Cuba 1959-60 Guatemala 1960 Congo 1964 Peru 1965 Laos 1964-73 Vietnam 1961-73 Cambodia 1969-70 Guatemala 1967-69 Grenada 1983 Libya 1986 El Salvador 1980s Nicaragua 1980s Panama 1989 Iraq 1991-99 Sudan 1998 Afghanistan 1998 Yugoslavia 1999 In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result? Choose one of the following: (a) 0 (b) zero (c) none (d) not a one (e) zip (f) a whole number between -1 and +1 (g) zilch ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop....." So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULLSIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And Mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. Much later, after they had their fun, he turned to her and asked, "So...how was I?" "Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three rednecks where driving down a country road drinking beer having a good old time one evening. When blue lights came on behind them the passengers started to panic. The driver said, "Let's finish off these beers, then we need to pull the labels off of them and toss the bottles under the seats!" The other two thought, what the heck, if we are going to jail for this let's go all the way. The chugged the rest of their beer and pulled the labels off and tossed the bottles under the seat. As the officer walked up to the car, he could smell the beer 10 feet away. He shined the flashlight in the cab on the driver. The officer was shocked when he saw a Bud label stuck to the drivers forehead. He looked at the guy in the middle, he had a Coors label stuck to forehead. The last guy had a Michelob label stuck to his head. "Have you boys been drinking?" the officer asked. "No, sir," the driver said. "Are you sure?" the officer asked. "Yes, sir," the driver replied, "We're all on the patch. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three men are sitting in a hospital maternity ward waiting for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an Englishman, one a Scotsman and the other a West Indian. They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in these situations. Suddenly the doctor bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen, you won't believe this, but your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes of each other. And they have all had little boys." The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over. "However we do have one slight problem," the doctor continues. "In all the confusion, we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and would be grateful if you could join us there to help identify them." With that the Scotsman races past the doctor and the other two men, bolting towards the nursery. Once inside he picks up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks saying, "There's no doubt about it, this boy is mine!" The doctor, looking bewildered, says, "Well sir, of all the babies I would have thought maybe this child could be of West Indian descent..." "That's a maybe", says the Scotsman, "but one of the other two is definitely f#cking English and I'm not taking the risk." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you." The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears. The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears. The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There are three beggars begging on Wall Street. The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day. The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ. The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consulting. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix, a B2B industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek. 1) The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face." 2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". 3) The American thought - "That fu**ing Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". 4) The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger responded, "Of course". "The Czech is in the male." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology". The town fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed "Hysterias and Posteriors". The Doctors didn't find it acceptable, and suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again, by now the story was in the papers and suggestions began rolling in: "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." "Minds and Behinds". "Lost Souls and Ass-holes". "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons", None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on "Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!" "Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends call me 'Bubba'." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair lady. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there." The fair lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle.  "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.  Put the tray up, Bitch."  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy! "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says........ "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!" In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said... "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much we wear rubbers!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ralph Nader, Albert Gore and George W Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun (if you will believe Ralph Nader ever has fun) and relaxation (if you believe Al Gore ever relaxes). After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded a wish. Be warned, if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for eternity!" All three men, being presidential candidates, toy with danger and quickly enter set upon finding the mirror. Ralph Nader said, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three" and in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money. Albert Gore stepped up and said "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three" and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in his hands, which he liked because it looked better than the VP's car. Excited over the possibility of having his wish come true, George W Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think --", and was promptly sucked into the mirror. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese. "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "Let's hear what you can you do." "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the other fellow's." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is a lively Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear that one of Concorde's pilots asked the other if he was going home after his shift. He said no, he was just going to crash out at the hotel. The European Commission have met and declared that Concorde's impeccable safety record will stand. The hotel was in the wrong. Affluent German tourists choose to fly Concorde. They'd not be seen dead on anything else... The French killed more Germans on Tuesday than in 2 world wars. How do you fit 100 Germans into a small French hotel? On Concorde! I know that the Germans like to get to the sun-lounges first but isn't this just a bit ridiculous? Overheard at the Hotelissimo, Gronesse: "Waiter! There's a Concorde in my soup." Air France have just introduced a new express service for their premium travellers which guarantees you can be off your plane and in your hotel in all of two minutes. Why is Concorde such good value for money? You get the hotel thrown in. "Viva la Resistance!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------