Miscellaneous Men Jokes

Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through it's pecker!

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
   to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: How do you keep a man from raping you?
A: Throw him the remote control.

Q: What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A: A hunting licence.

Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football stadium.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.

Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands
   who end up playing with them!

Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention

Q: Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?
A: So they can get some air to their brains.

Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in
         it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy

Q: Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
A: It turns your Harddrive into a 3 1/2 floppy!

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toliet paper?
A: We don't know it hasn't been done yet.

A few from the other side-

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: What is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
   able to support you.

Q: How do you know when a womans' about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: Why were shopping cars invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None.  It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.