A man wanted to get a tattoo of a one hundred dollar bill put on his dick. The tattoo artist told him this would be incredibly painful, and asked why on earth would he want this tattoo? To which the man responded: "You wouldn't believe how fast my wife can blow $100". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: what do you get when you cross PMS with ESP? A: a bitch who thinks she knows everything. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The difference between philosophy and theology: if you have an argument over philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw bombs. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Little old lady at US immigration. OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion? {Pause for thought} LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think. ========================================================================= Lovers celebrate Valentines day. What day do lonely men celebrate? Palm Sunday! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (overheard in a coffee bar, man speaking) "Considering my last relationship, I'd rather have the extra rib." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the unitarian branch of the Ku Klux Klan? They go around burning question-marks on people's lawns. ========================================================================= "What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?" "I don't know, what?" "Popeye beat the shit out of him!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out of two homes in America. I wonder which two homes they took the survey at? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ IBM: You can buy better, but you can't pay more. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist? A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Do you know how the guy got gonorreah of the eyelid? He was looking for love in all the wrong places. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you tell if a yuppie woman has reached climax? A: She drops her briefcase ========================================================================= Why do debutantes hate group sex? They have to write so many "thank you" notes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I remember a Reader's Digest blurb about how someone had scrawled the following on a wall at a college somewhere: Is there intelligent life on Earth? According to the story, a week or so later someone else tacked on: Yes, but we're only stopping to refuel. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why did the epistemologist cross the road? I don't know. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about our new local radio station? Call letters are KPMS. The format is 3 weeks of the blues followed by a week of ragtime. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It occurs to me that in Rainman, when Tom Cruise says that Dustin Hoffman should work for NASA and then changes his mind after the doctor asks Hoffman how much would be left from a dollar if he spent 50 cents and Hoffman replied 70 cents. It seems to me that, if he can spend money that way, that he should be working for the government. After all, at least he realizes that some is missing after he spends it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Idea for a Zen T-shirt design: "Enlightment Available: Enquire Within" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone? A: Vibrato. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've done better". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down? A: Put some sheet music in front of him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (B) Provide surnames for: 1. A canine given to mild oaths. ANS: Dog Gone 2. A tropical, fruit-eating bird who plans to marry without increasing his income. ANS: Toucan Live-as-cheaply-as-one 3. A bovine who won't stand up to the bull. ANS: Cow Ard 4. A hornless African water mammal notorious for his insincerity. ANS: Hippo Crit 5. A small, voracious fish of South America who would like his good old woman to celebrate her golden wedding anniversary with him in Dover. ANS: Piranha Old-gray-bonnet (A) Provide given names for: 1) A wooly-haired South American ruminant known for her fondness for toy animals. ANS: Dolly Llama 2) An Australian arboreal marsupial strongly addicted to a popular nonalcoholic beverage. ANS: Coca Koala 3) A bird allied to the gulls, who believes favors should be repaid. ANS: One-good Tern 4) A fur-bearing, web-footed mammal who does what he should not. ANS: Hadn't Otter 5) A talking bird in its native haunts. ANS: Asia Myna 6) A tufted-eared wildcat who beats his cubs with open paw. ANS: Cuff Lynx -- Wilard R. Espy ------------------------------------------------------------------------