Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother
or father.

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front.  Leave it there for nine months. After nine
months, remove 10% of the beans.

2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help
himself.  Then go to the supermarket.  Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office.  Go home.  Pick up the paper and read it for
the last time.

3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run riot.  Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior.  Enjoy it--it's the last time in your life that you will have all
of the answers.

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm
till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at
12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the
alarm on for 3am.  As you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a
drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
Sing songs in the dark till 4am.  Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

5) Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer.  Stick your fingers in the flower
beds then rub them on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with crayons.
There, how does that look?

6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.  First buy an
octopus and a string bag.  Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out.  Time allowed for this: all moring.

7) Take an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator.  Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape
and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified
for a place on the play group committee.

8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan.  And don't think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a
garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very
slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect
along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you
can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and
go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small
child for a walk.

10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local
supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find  to a pre-school
child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one
child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting
the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.
Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops
and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an
airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and
Power Rangers.  When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me"
at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!